Self-Love: The Most Abused Word in the Market Today

Self-love has become one of the most overused and misunderstood concepts today. The term has been watered down and often confused with something as surface-level as pampering oneself. I often find myself explaining to clients that self-love is not simply getting your nails done, going to the spa, or grooming your eyebrows. While these activities fall under the realm of self-care, they represent only a tiny fraction of what self-love truly entails.

Self-love is a much deeper, more expansive concept, yet it's frequently presented in a superficial, materialistic light. As a psychologist, I’ve noticed that many people struggle to differentiate between the two, asking me: "How can I love myself if no one else loves me?" or "You want me to do things for myself that I’d rather someone else do for me?" Such questions reflect the broken commercial portrayal of love, which has unfortunately equated it with indulgence in products or experiences. So, why has self-love become synonymous with self-care?

Why do we focus so much on the superficial elements when self-care is just the basic maintenance of our existence? Part of the issue stems from societal conditioning. We’ve been taught that doing something for ourselves, especially if it involves spending money, is selfish. We are told that putting our needs first is wrong—but is it?

Or perhaps the societal ideal of being "selfless" is the most selfish demand of all. We are constantly pushed to give to others, to be a certain way in order to receive love. Why is it that people expect us to sacrifice our own needs to be loved? Why don’t we deserve love that is free of expectations?

Today, I want to define—or at least attempt to define—this misunderstood concept. But what is self-love, in reality?

The Core of Self-Love: Acknowledgment and Action

At its core, self-love begins with acknowledging yourself. It's as simple as saying, "I am me" or "I see myself." This recognition of existence is the foundation. From there, it evolves into recognizing your own worth: "I am worthy," or "I see that I deserve." It’s also about understanding what your worth entitles you to—whether that’s respect, care, or emotional fulfilment. For instance, you might say, "I am worthy of respect," or "I see that I am deserving of care."

More often than not, clients become stuck at one of these stages, and that’s where things start to unravel. They might think, "I deserve it, but I need it from a specific person!" But can you truly rely on someone else to meet all your needs? No, the hard truth is, you cannot—because if you could, you wouldn’t feel as unhappy as you do today!

Liberation and movement toward real self-love begins when you can move beyond the "I need" phase and enter the "I deserve" phase. It is then that you progress to the next step: acceptance of your worth. This is perhaps the hardest stage to navigate because it requires you to see yourself beyond your immediate desires—to recognize that you, too, are a person with valid needs, no different from the equally needy person you seek to meet your needs.

With acceptance of worth comes the responsibility of self-care, self-respect, and concern for yourself. However, self-love doesn’t stop at merely knowing your worth. True self-love culminates in self-empowerment, and by self-empowerment, I mean taking action toward yourself. It is where you not only affirm, "I will, and I will not," but act upon those decisions. Self-love is truly accomplished when you act on your boundaries, set limits, and refuse mistreatment. It’s when you show love for yourself through action—by standing up for your dignity.

Self-love, I believe, is a journey that begins with self-awareness and gradually deepens into something far more empowering and meaningful. It isn’t about being selfish or selfless; it’s about balance—a balance of give and take. It’s about recognizing your worth, honouring your needs while considering those of others, and understanding that true love—whether from yourself or others—shouldn’t come with disrespect or a lack of recognition.

What do you think?